Do Parents Have Favorite Children? Of Course They Do.

Well|Do Parents Have Favorite Children? Of Course They Do.

As a child, Kara never thought of her parents as the types to play favorites.

Her youngest siblings always enjoyed extra attention and special privileges, like trips to Disneyland, but she had rationalized the behavior: The oldest children are meant to be more independent, she thought, and her parents probably had more money for vacations after she moved out.

But as she and her siblings grew up — and the special treatment continued — the evidence became glaring. Two years ago, when her parents called to say they planned to spend the holidays with her sisters, once again, and would not be flying to visit Kara and her children on Christmas, she had a moment of clarity.

“Suddenly it struck me that maybe there wasn’t a justification,” said Kara, who requested that her last name not be used to protect her family’s privacy. “Maybe those kids were always going to be the favorites.”

Kara came to resent that her parents overlooked her own children the same way they overlooked her. “Two generations of rejection,” she called it. And despite her best efforts to let go of the resentment and disappointment, the inequity affected her mental health.

“I just can’t get over the hurt,” she said.

Research from recent decades shows that versions of Kara’s experience are common for less favored siblings. In childhood, they are more likely to have poorer mental health, worse family relationships and less academic success than their siblings.

Other research shows that those family dynamics can affect mental health long past youth. One study found that whether adult children believed they were favored or disfavored was a stronger predictor of their mental health than almost any other factor measured, including marital status, employment and age. Only physical health was more closely correlated.