Late Night Responds to Trump’s Justice Department Query

Television|Late Night Responds to Trump’s Justice Department Query

Welcome to Late Night Roundup, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.

The Price of Justice

President Trump is seeking $230 million from the Justice Department as compensation for the federal investigations they pursued against him.

On Wednesday’s “Daily Show,” Michael Kosta said the lawsuit shouldn’t be a surprise: “Trump sues people more often than Barron gets hit by a sea gull — that kid is huge.”

“Now, now, I’m sure Todd Blanche will take his time and very carefully consider what color pen he will use to sign the check over to his president-boss.” — MICHAEL KOSTA

“His own lawyers decide whether he wins. It’s like that classic drama, ‘12 Angry Men Who Were All At My Bachelor Party.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT

“It seems like even Trump is suspicious of how easy this is. This must be how those thieves at the Louvre felt: ‘So all I need is a ladder? I thought this would be way more complicated. I’ll steal these invaluable jewels, I guess.’” — MICHAEL KOSTA

“President Trump confirmed yesterday he wants the Justice Department to pay him $230 million in compensation for its criminal investigations of him and added, ‘Any money that I would get, I would give to charity.’ Come on, man, that’s obviously just her stage name.” — SETH MEYERS

“I know what you’re thinking: Trump is just going to donate the money to his own charity. Well, joke’s on you, because that charity was dissolved by court order in 2018 after misusing money for his personal benefit. I bet you feel like an [expletive].” — MICHAEL KOSTA

The Punchiest Punchlines (East Wing Edition)

“Today was the 22nd day of the government shutdown, and if you’re wondering how much longer it’ll go on, they’ve started taking down the White House.” — SETH MEYERS

“Well, guys, a lot of people are angry at President Trump because it was just announced that he’s demolishing the entire East Wing of the White House to build his new ballroom. Yep, the entire wing is gone. Normally if you hear that, you’re flying Frontier Airlines.” — JIMMY FALLON

“He is literally erasing U.S. history, a feat previously achieved only by the Florida School Board.” — STEPHEN COLBERT

“Now, I understand this is not the first wing he’s destroyed, but it is the first one that wasn’t covered in buffalo sauce.” — STEPHEN COLBERT

“There’s so many questions about the renovation: Who’s paying for it, is it legal and just how long was Rudy Giuliani living in the wall?” — JIMMY FALLON

“Seeing the entire East Wing demolished is jarring. Usually the only time there’s a hole in the White House is when Melania is tunneling her way out, you know?” — JIMMY FALLON

“And Trump’s not the first president to make changes to the White House. Nixon added a bowling alley, Eisenhower a putting green and Clinton a stripper pole.” — GREG GUTFELD

“This is the first thing aliens do in movies to announce they’re evil. They blow up the White House. Trump is just cutting out the middleman of invading aliens.” — SETH MEYERS

The Bits Worth Watching

Adam Brody, who stars in the Netflix series “Nobody Wants This,” recalled filming his first on-screen kiss with his co-star Kristen Bell on Wednesday’s “Tonight Show.”

The comedian Tig Notaro will appear on Thursday’s “Late Show.”

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